Outside is scary, but I still miss my friends

The Illinois shelter-in-place order has officially been extended until the end of May. I’m relieved by this because there was no way in hell I was going back to my office May 1. It’s obviously not safe. Coronavirus cases are still growing, though (thankfully) slowing. And yet another month of these same walls?

Honestly, a great big part of me is pretty OK with nesting in one place for a long stretch. After six weeks I’ve finally figured out some new routines so I feel more stable than I did back in March. I self-entertain real well. No kids. A dog that gets me outside and a partner who I can bug when I need human contact. Plus, I don’t have to mentally gear myself up to leave the house — I have to stay home! And I just feel better, hunkered in my fortress that is a second floor apartment. Outside is scary.

I did a much lighter, self-imposed version of this the last couple months I lived in China, when people staring at me and trying to talk to me when I just wanted to chill in the park was too much. Let me be anonymous, please! I only left the apartment to teach classes or get food. But it’s one thing hunkering down because you want to and another because you have to.

And this having to… it is tough. Again, I see how tiny my world is. No restaurants, no shops, no shows. Rare interactions with strangers. I only talk to people I somehow know. That is crazy to think about. Am I forgetting how to be around other humans?! I’m a muddle of mixed feelings.

Working from home. I love working from home. I get to wear leggings. All. The. Time. Six weeks without a commute has been amazing. There’s no rushing out the door, no standing in line in the cold and wind and traffic to get on a public bus. No dealing with the nutty people or the obnoxious assholes who either opt to take a conference call or decide 8:30 a.m. is a good time for a casual chat about what happened at the bar last weekend.

I miss friends and family. We text or do video calls, which is great and I want to have that connection with them. Playing games together online has been wonderful. But there’s always a layer of awkwardness even among good friends in a group chat scenario. I worry about them. How much can you really see when you’re looking through a screen?

I miss my coworkers. My job is pretty solitary in that it requires long stretches of solo time to craft research plans or analyze data. But now that means the people I saw regularly because we shared the same general space, I rarely see. The friendships that were slowly starting to form from a casual chat in the kitchen have been put on hold.

Video calls. I’m finally getting more comfortable with being on camera, but at the same time I’m so over it. This is being “on” in a weirder way than it is in person. And it can be so draining. On the other hand, I love these glimpses into other peoples’ lives, like cats traipsing over a keyboard or kids playing with dinosaurs. A coworker I met via Hangouts apologized for being sweaty because he just spent 30 minutes wailing on a punching bag. Best one-on-one meeting ever.

Travel. As much as I like my nest, I do want to travel and see more of the world. Spring vacation was postponed. And I’m not sure when I can visit family.

Nesting: There’s a handful of things around the house that have been annoying the crap out of me that I’m finally tackling because I see them all the damn time: the grubby shower curtain, the haphazard collection of spices, poorly organized book shelves. But of course the spice rack I finally purchased has a shipping delay until September!

Produce delivery. Opening a box of fresh produce is like Christmas. I was squealing and skipping around the kitchen as I pulled out pineapple! Tomatoes! Broccoli! Grapefruit! Peppers! And more!

Grocery shopping. Despite how much I love colorful fruits and vegetables, I do not miss going to the grocery store regularly. I didn’t mind it before, but now I have to psyche myself up, as I put my mask and gloves on. My battle gear. And low-level worry the next couple weeks if I picked up the virus my one time going into a public place. I do miss getting fresh-baked baguettes regularly.

Cooking. I’ve more patience/interest/mental capacity to figure out what to do with the weird produce that comes in the CSA boxes: ramps (wtf are these!), sweet potatoes, grits. I had deliberately stopped CSA boxes in the past because I was chucking too much veg I didn’t understand how to prepare. Now, I dig into overlooked chapters in cookbooks for recipes. Nothing goes to waste! Must avoid stores as long as possible!

I hope you’re all able to stay safe and healthy and are finding your own grooves, whatever they maybe. And if you can spare a few dollars, donate to help people who are struggling during the pandemic.

Originally published in my newsletter, Humdrum. Sign up to get more essays like this, on the random stuff we deal with everyday. Emailed monthly.

Checkout other essays:

• My female body doesn’t fit anywhere
• I should maybe stop optimizing my life…?
• An icky experience at the gynecologist for my annual checkup
• Airbnbs are tiny glimpses into other people’s lives.